Dear Xanga,

how are u old friend? it has indeed been a mighty long time...and it seems that i only come to u to vent out about things that my dad does/says....and that again is the reason for today's entry.

It has come....the time that i have probably dreaded for my WHOOOOLE high school career...the time where we have to apply to colleges and apply for scholarships. I really dont like doing things like this with my father cuz hes sooo critical...and dont get me wrong...SOMETIMES being critical is ok, but if ur gonna be critical, back it up with something that u can improve with ya kno....dont just leave it at ur critique..back it up with something.

So i type up this personal statement that he asks to go in my PORTFOLIO, and so i hand it to him...and he hands it back and says...here, read it again and put it up here (motioning above his head). and so i jus leave and get online and start talking to u...cuz i dont kno what the fuck up here means...so fuck it...for all i care, he can write it up. and choose what he wants me to be...i might not necessarily be it...but hey, whatever floats his boat.

My dad....i love him to death but i hope i do not grow up to be like him...i rele hate to say stuff like that, but unfortunately, its the truth...I think i'm just ready to get outta this house. And i never thought i'd feel that way until now....Only a few more months and then i'm outta here...and it'll feel so good. If u've read ALL my journal entries, do u remember the one when i talked about how i have a "fettish for freedom." and that was when i was just getting to hang out with friends for a few hours on the weekend. Now, i'm gonna be a few hundred miles away from them? WHAT U SAY!? i'm gonna go absolutely wild....and whos fault is that, my parents....

Now i wasnt brought up in the most strict and orthodox house. however, i think i am rather sheltered (slightly) and i think that when i get "released," all hell is gonna break lose.....

and its unfortunate...but, we play the hand we're dealt right?

im audi....like the car

dont even bother trying to understand this...

my dad says that if i dont do w/e then he'll take away my driving privilege. and i'll have to ride the bus and stuff....shit, i've been thinking about doing that myself. its so stupid its like i'm paying him to drive my car. he'll take my car out and come back and the gas tank'll be on empty. so hes basically already just eating up my money. at least u could fill the tank back up or at least put some money in there. jesus.... so i mean do wat ya gotta do, cuz i do not mind riding the bus....it saves me gas, cuz i pay for it most of the time, but he has a point, i need to stop being bad in ms newcomers class but threatening me with me with the car is not the thing to do, cuz he's already punishing me with that and i didnt do anything for it....bih.....omg, i'm so mad.

o yea, and they have a fucking water polo calendar up on the refrigerator, if they arent gonna look at it, then there is no reason for it to be up there. its not my fault that they got all worried and stuff becuz they didnt look at the fucking calendar....jesus christ.....this is just friggin crazy.

see, this is the typa stuff that makes kids lie to their parents. i asked if i could spend the night at someones house. Most (well some..) parents would just let the kid sleep over...some might say thats irresponsible but w/e. But anyway, instead of doing that, i have to go through all this red tape ( a decision from last night to today at around noon) to get to the conclusion that i cant even sleep over. and i dont think that my parents wanted me to even go over there. They told me that the plan was to call them when i was ready to go do to the heavy palm beach police force. They MEANT that i could stay after 11 (the state wide curfew for first year license holders) because i would have one of them escort me home. but i still thought that they wanted me home by 11, and we got outta our movie at around 10 so i thought it would've been futile to go there for 20 minutes and then come home so i didnt go at all. I think this was their set up, because they expressed to me that they knew what time the movie was expected to get out and they acted all suprised when i came home "early" 10:30...they acted all suprised that i thought that...i dont kno why i wrote this, it prolly makes no sense cause i'm frustrated and everything is jus going so fast in my head but the bottom line is....instead of telling my parents i was going there, i could've not gone to the movie and gone to his house and everything would've been great. fun would've been had and they wouldnt kno. but being a good son....i tell them, i step out on faith and tell them...and in the end i dont get to play ping pong today which really frustrates me

and my grades look like shit....hmph!

Friends

through this past week or so, i have learned the true meaning of friends. Friends are well...human like me and you. And being human they're inconsistent. Sure everyone will tell u "i love you" and stuff and "i'm not a fair weather friend" but all friends are fair weather friends, because they're human

I've been talking to God the past week and through this week, I have seen several instances in which friends have made me feel bad. and it seemed as though i would leave a friend for doing me bad, just to have the friend i went to treat me bad. This past week, friends have done nothing good for me. they've either: backstabbed me, talked bad about me, hurt me, or abandoned me.

So i've been thinkin, if i dont want this stuff then i just give up my friends or get new ones. But because of their inconsistency, i was thinking i should just give friends up all together and be that one weird kid who walks around school by himself. But then i thought, its possible to have friends, Jesus had friends.

But i dont wanna seem as though its totally my friends fault but who i hang out with is who i am. a preacher once said  that a person is the average of the 5 people they hang out with the most. and i need to be able to regulate that so that i am in good company

but then i think of befriending the first priority kids because afterall, they're for the same thing i'm for....or want to be for. but they're just not a crowd that i wanna be involved with

so now i'm thinkin, maybe i should just stay in my groups of friends and be like a tree planted by the river..that shall not be moved and use that as a strengthening tool to help me in my Christian walk.

But God on the other hand, is the only being that is consistent and will always be there for me and love me. So turning to him is a now brainer but....there are still things to be worked out.

i'll just pray about it....

so ....i jus came back from suncoast, my parents(well my dad does(he always hte cluprit)) want me to switch from IDP to IB and....i dont want to and if i dont want to do it then i'm not gonna do good and its gonna be an opposite affect and i wont do good. and while we were there Ms Barron was like "do u wanna be in the IB program?" and i said "yes" jus for the sake of us having gone there to check it out. but then my dad said " in the taylor household it doesnt matter what the children say" and all this shit..and i was thinking to teach this muthafuka a lesson that i should go into the IB program and flunk it (and by the way, its hardly even possible to go straight into the IB prgram in your fucking junior year...its like suicide) and become some dead beat guy on tamirind doing crack. but that would take to long and be bad for me....and anyways, i'm taking AP courses and IB and AP courses are weighted the same. this rele makes me mad that my dad thinks that he can make decisions for me, its crazy...he needs to check himself before he wrecks himself, cuz i wont let him wreck me!

in other news...i got an iTrip on last sun....and i'm taking it back today becuz i jus dont like the way it works...theres jus too much static and stuff and its not garunteed and stuff, so i'll jus go get my 50 dollars back and get some marijuana (that was a joke jon...u "base everything on xanga" fuck!)

things with Camille are going good, we went to the mall and we've been talking on the phone....so yea......